In July, I will become a mother of two. Two boys to be exact. Me. A woman who laughs at fart jokes and always spills her food down herself. As thrilled as I am, I’m also absolutely terrified, for so many reasons, and as I pride myself on being honest, I wanted to note them down.
I’ve been mentally writing this post since before we decided we would start trying for baby number two. Some of my friends are very much “one and done”. They have already given away all their tiny newborn bits and bobs and have started planning their baby-free future with a much-loved only child.
Steven and I always knew we wanted more than one baby. I can’t tell you exactly why. It’s just something that we both knew in our souls. I’m not sure how many we want, I guess that depends on what each child is like. Although Ruben doesn’t sleep great, he is hilarious and adorable and the thought of a million little Ruben’s is (mostly) a wonderful concept. We don’t want too many, just because we are practical. In terms of money, space and time, I do think there’s a limit, but at the very least, we want two.
But that said, I am terrified.
Before Ruben came along, Steven and I spoke about how we couldn’t imagine loving another person as much as we love each other. Now, we both talk about how we’ve never loved anyone or anything as much as we love our little Roo. It’s a love like no other. It’s transcends the sleepless nights, the toddler tantrums, even the odd nipple-bite while feeding.
So, what if I don’t feel that for baby number two?! Everyone tells me that my love won’t half, it will double. But that doesn’t stop me worrying in case it doesn’t. In case I’m the exception. Baby number two deserves all the love that Ruben has had showered upon him for the past two years.
Right now, Ruben is my whole world. I talk about him all the time (sorry friends), and everything I do is in some way for him. I know all his little signs and his favourite toys. I know from a look in his eyes if he’s constipated and I know that he’s terrified of the sound of airplanes. He is everything.
So how does that work with another baby? Will Ruben become less important?! I can’t ever imagine that. But my heart breaks at the thought of Baby number 2 not getting the same experience as Roo.
I already worry that people won’t care as much about another baby, seeing as I’ve already had one. People were so supportive and kind about Ruben. One friend got her whole class from China to send me good luck in labour and even my friends’ Mums sent their best wishes. Don’t get me wrong, so far people have been amazing. But I’m worried that no one will care about this baby as much, or on the other end of the scale, that people will stop caring about Ruben and only care about the new baby.
I’m worried about juggling. Already juggling a job, a business, a marriage, a house and a toddler (plus a chronic illness or two) is tough at times, but now to add to that, I need to ensure that both of my boys are getting enough of me. That they’re both getting the attention they need to thrive and not feeling left out at all. I know some of my ‘one and done’ friends will be reading this, wondering why we wanted another. That it seems silly to choose to have another child with all these worries, but there are also so many things I’m unbelievably excited about.
Imagining Ruben as a big brother makes my heart burst. He has so much love to give, I caught him kissing a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine today. When I think about it as me giving him a brother, a sibling, a friend, rather than taking anything away from him, I feel proud and excited. He’s a social little thing and lockdown has been tough, so I know he will (mostly) enjoy having a little brother to teach and play with.
Although the first few weeks were super hard, the thought of getting to do it all again, with the gift of hindsight, makes me feel so excited and happy. I have no doubt that it’s going to be terrifying and difficult, but I also know from experience with Roo that it will also be amazing. Seeing those first windy smiles, getting golden giggles and those sleepy 3am feeds. I can’t wait to take baby 2 to the classes I loved with Ruben, and to see how different he is going to be from his brother.
My family life has always been… complicated. But I’m incredibly blessed to be growing my own family, to love and have adventures with. I’m excited for years of family holidays (remember those?!) and getting to visit theme parks, days in cold playgrounds and snuggled-up movie nights.
So I don’t want this to come across as though I’m having regrets. I’m not at all. I know we’re so lucky to be having a second son, and I’m as excited for this baby as I was for Ruben, perhaps even a little more as I know the fun that is to come. But I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t worried about a whole load of things.
As scared as I am, I am also so excited to see what baby number 2 brings, and to bring you along for the ride.