The (Broken) Vagina Monologues: Part 5 – A Vaginal Video Game

Hello again friends! It’s been a while! My broken vagina and I have actually been busy growing a little human (I am aware that it’s my womb doing the growing, but it makes more sense poetically to say it’s my vag), and in a few months time (December to be exact) I will be pushing him out of it too! If I thought sex was painful, I feel like childbirth is going to be a whole other level… However, I realise I left you on a bit of a cliffhanger (or a clit-hanger as my pals at My Dad Wrote A Porno blog would say), and it’s time to catch up! 


So! After spending some awkward time with my weird white dildos on a stick, it was time for another exercise, this time called biofeedback. I like to call it “the Vagina Video Game” because it’s more appealing and also more accurate. 


I had to lay on the bed with a probe thing inside my broken jayjay. It was hooked up to a screen that looked like a games console from the 80’s – it was no Nintendo Wii, for sure. The idea was I would clench (like Kegel exercises or stopping yourself from peeing) and then let go and it would show me how hard I clenched and how good I was at relaxing the muscles. 


Mate, I love a good competition. 


I could have played that weird game all day. There’s something weirdly powerful about it and yet also kinda fun. 


I liked that visually I could see how I was much more tense before clenching that I was after it. Katie suggested that I clench and release a few times before penetration to allow my vagina to chill. 


At this point, and after a good few weeks, Katie had given me all the exercises she could, and she referred me to a sex therapist to discuss the emotional side of things. I presumed a sex therapist was something Cosmo made up, or someone who was the subject of a late night Channel 4 documentary, so I really wasn’t sure what to expect. Would Steven and I have to be naked in a red-lit room covered in fluffy rugs (which in hindsight would be very hard to clean…), while a hippy woman talked us through how to do the do? Because that is not my idea of a good time…


I kinda hoped that Katie could be my sex therapist too (and perhaps my best friend, she really was so lovely!), but it was time to say goodbye. For the first time in a bloody long time, me and my va-jay-jay had had a good experience with a medical professional – whey! But now I had to wait for my sex therapist to get in touch and start another (weird) path on my journey to unpainful sex…! 

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